My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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