It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
