sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My ATM looks so different sober.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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