I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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