She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
