i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
