God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Randomize
