Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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