I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
