There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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