He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
