Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
