i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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