.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
