I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
