it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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