Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
