The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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