bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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