Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
