I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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