Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
he quoted the bible to break up with me
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
