Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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