Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
