Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Randomize
