you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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