Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
