Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I just want nice things and good sex
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
