my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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