So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
You are the jesus of drinking
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
