A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize