I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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