im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
