There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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