Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
