Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
