also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
