Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
