I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
