in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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