alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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