I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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