Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
