just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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