I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
