Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
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