I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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