You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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