just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
