When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
