i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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