I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Floor bacon is actually really good
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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