I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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