God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
