I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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