My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
