I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
